Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do vagina's smell?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
