we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize