good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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