No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
