I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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