dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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