I think my fart just growled at me.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
