I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
