Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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