i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
