omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
