***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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