Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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