You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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