What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
