Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
