hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Semen is not good for contacts.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
