kristin has been a bad kristin
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
