EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize