my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Sober January is a disaster.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
