It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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