Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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