you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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