i think my tv is drunk
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He better not be in your backpack
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
