I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
