He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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