are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he puts the penis in happiness.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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