Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
