I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
