I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
