I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
