Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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