i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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