This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
