My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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