i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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