my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
