Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
