I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
