I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
