my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
