He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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