He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
