Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize