No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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