i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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