a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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