I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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