After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
bring money and cleavage
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
