Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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