Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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