apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
