You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need to calm my uterus...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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