Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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