Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
is wine microwaveable?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
