I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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