all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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