My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
