I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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